Of course, I did not create this template myself. These people did:
Lord, I Apologize
Friday, April 01, 2005
Just when I get to thinking, For once, I am not awash in bitterness, The Father manages to recomplicate matters. In his latest act of irrationality, he recently forwarded mail he had received at his house... and he opened it. He has never opened my mail before; all the time I lived in St. Louis, he waited for a substantial amount to accumulate, then packaged it all into a larger envelope for sendoff. That was fine.
He opened envelopes containing a refund from the College Board for a fee I overpaid, a refund from school for a fee I overpaid, and a letter from the IRS containing my income tax results. He cannot pretend naivete, especially about what he thought might be in that last.
Amy happened to be in the room as I opened these, and she suggested I write him a letter. I did, and I am very proud of it: [caveat: if you happen to be anonymously thinking, Lauree is a crazy, unforgiving bitch, then perhaps you ought to find someone else's retarded weblog to haunt- there are plenty out there]
Vatti,
While I genuinely appreciate the prompt forwarding of my mail upon your having received it, I must mention I would appreciate this service you perform on my behalf quite a bit more if I received the mail addressed to me UNOPENED, in its original condition, por favor. This is not an issue I have felt necessary to raise before; all the time I lived in St. Louis, you never sent my mail to me already opened.
I cannot conceive what has suddenly inspired the notion in your mind that it is acceptable for you to open my mail, except perhaps that Terri opens Jeremy's for him routinely, and you now feel, therefore, that you have some parental right to open mine. Of course, this scenario might well not be true, but after my confusion at receiving my income tax results and check refunds not in their original envelopes, it was all I could think of, again because you did not open my mail before you remarried. Whatever your reasoning, I guarantee there is never any instance for which you may do so. No mail I receive is pertinent to you in any manner, with the lone exception of the Bank of America savings account statements [The Father and I jointly own that account]. You have my permission to open those, and if you find the numbers to be unsatisfactory, by all means feel absolutely free to contribute.
Thank-you for sending the Texas Tech refund check- any money I may deposit back into one of my accounts is always desired. The University sent fifty dollars because I paid for my first summer school session application, and presumed the University required an additional fifty dollars for the second session in July. But they do not need my money this time. This paranthetical information was not included in the envelope you opened; I thought I would clarify the remaining half, in case you were wondering, since you obviously were curious enough to open the letter in the first place.
As you also read, I earned ---- dollars last year, for which I may expect a refund in taxes of ---. When I found you had conveniently opened this set of news for me, I again at first pondered why you would need to know my income information, but then it dawned on me- you merely wanted to calculate how much money to send! Let me thank you in advance, for I cannot get enough of money. I must admit, initially I was furious that you would honestly believe how much I make is any of your business, but I then remembered you do still consider me a member of your household, which means you still provide at least half my support. This past year you paid for my food and housing through the PLUS loan, but as next year I must take those loans out myself, it naturally occurred to you that I might need extra cash here and there for toothpaste, textbooks, shampoo, et cetera. I did acquire such items this year, but at the expense of bigger things, such as having my wisdom teeth pulled, going in for an eye exam so that I may wear glasses again or get contacts before my sight deteriorates further, making a down payment on a car, et cetera.
Well, now I am glad you deemed it necessary to find out precisely how much I earned baking hamburger buns last year, for now you may help me budget how to pay for all of the above based upon what I will make this year, which will be substantially less, because last year I usually worked between thirty-five and forty-five hours per week at a higher hourly rate.
I apologize for withholding how much I make- it was rather selfish of me. After all, I always tell you about something immediately when I perceive you need to know it- my bowel movements, my grade point average, my having consumed three Jell-O shots at a Halloween party and thereby discovering I have a low tolerance for alcohol relative to most other people, what I intend to do in preparation for grad school and my nebulous plans for how I will preoccupy myself after graduate school, and letting you know the address for my retarded weblog I maintain so that the people I am away from can remain current on what I am doing or avoiding doing. Considering my openness, you must have felt hurt that I did not share my income tax results with you. I am truly sorry, and I hope never to disappoint you again.
So, when do you plan to begin supplementing my meager income? I don't anticipate needing money immediately, but it would be nice to have my books paid for when summer school starts. Call or e-mail me so we can work something out.
And thanks a million times over! I consider myself lucky to have a father who doesn't begrudge his daughter the occasional handout.
