Monday, November 28, 2005
At three-thirty this morning I realized this coming week portends much stress, for I must write a paper and complete the German project, neither of which I accomplished during the break, natürlich. Classes and work are going to hinder these developments. I might have had time to tear down a good portion of research this afternoon, but the Classics department hosts a guest speaker, with whom I, as the almighty Classics Society Vice President, must dine at noon. Afterward I attend class, and an hour later I must return to the foreign language building for the actual lecture.
Um sechs habe ich Arbeit. Es saugt.
Added to that, Grandfather Keith apparently has Lou Gehrig's Disease und ist dabei nicht wohl. At earliest, I might be able to visit The Grandparents over Spring Break.
[Lauree Frances Keith concluded this diatribe at 6:01 AM]
A Certain Steinbeck Novel
Sunday, November 27, 2005
I woke up to write the last essay for the ancient sexuality class, but I simply have not been in the mood to finish it. I need to create a Power Point presentation about secondary studies in Germany, but my pen drive doesn't function in any of the lab computers. Ich weiß nicht warum.
I suppose I'll venture back into the winds to ellipticize, which ought to wake me up again.
[Lauree Frances Keith concluded this diatribe at 12:36 PM]
Keep The Change, You Filthy Animal
Saturday, November 26, 2005
I ate Thanksgiving dinner with Dr. Bonzo and his family (wife plus two munchkins), which I enjoyed genuinely, it being a relatively quiet event. I had admittedly held some anxiety that the entire evening would consist of some epochal semi-internal battle against awkwardness, but chatting with Dr. Bonzo and his wife as they prepared dinner put me at ease completely. They both understand people well and besides display ironic, self-knowing humor.
In an e-mail written Tuesday, in response to my acceptance of his invitation, Dr. Bonzo had written, "Just to let you know, we are LDS. One of the tenets of our religion is that we do not drink alcohol". I responded to this with, "Just to let you know, I am an agnostic. I avoid drinking anything that tastes weird, which includes alcoholic beverages, river water, and Fresca." Dr. Bonzo found this funny enough to warrant mentioning during a phone call to his father, who apparently also finds me hilarious.
I do wish some of the people who laugh at me [and it is often "at"] would pay for the pleasure I give.
In order to remain in the dorms during Thanksgiving break, residents fill out and sign a half-sheet of paper notifying the hall director. At the bottom of this sheet, above the signature line, is a single blank line beside the question, "Why are you staying in the dorms during Thanksgiving?" With little hesitation I scribbled, "My father hates me" and handed it off to the office assistant, Francis. He read the response, held his head in his hands, and laughed a little longer than might have been wholly necessary. I wished him a happy Thanksgiving and skulked to my room.
[Lauree Frances Keith concluded this diatribe at 11:17 AM]
Two Hours To The Deadline
Tuesday, November 22, 2005
The following is my latest philosophy response assignment, with the first paragraph of my essay.
Some people argue that only something eternal like God or religious ideals can satisfy the human heart. "Thou hast made us for Thyself, O Lord, and our hearts are restless until they rest in Thee," wrote St. Augustine. Do you agree with this? Explain your answer.
Conceptions of a deity and religious ideals constitute a frame around which many people base their lives. However, if viewed as a societal construct akin to marriage or burial customs (which themselves generally occur within a religious context), the knowledge of religion "satisfies" humans in general no more than Mick Jagger's knowledge of beautiful women has seemed to satisfy him. "Girly action" represensts that end goal, the only fulfillment, which might be attained through various means but cannot itself be realized in any other form. Religion (hereafter, Christianity, in response to St. Augustine and Soren Kierkegaard) likewise supposedly exists as the boundary for human meaning, but if, whether objectively or subjectively, the restless heart finds repose, the question then becomes: What afterward? His meaningfulness purportedly achieved, why does Mick Jagger continue to write songs, tour, pose for Mercedes Benz newspaper ads, or drink cherry red sodas?
[Lauree Frances Keith concluded this diatribe at 9:27 AM]
A Rumbly In My Tumbly
Monday, November 21, 2005
During class today Dr. Bonzo invited me to eat Thanksgiving dinner at his domicile. A girl from class also offered to take me with her to her grandmother's house, which is in, no less, Turkey, Texas. I would lean toward remaining in town... plus, Dr. Bonzo's mother was a chef, which means he knows how to cook. Ausgezeichnet.
I am touched that there are two whole people who are glad to stuff me with turkey.
[Lauree Frances Keith concluded this diatribe at 10:17 AM]
Food Should Come Out Only One End
Sunday, November 20, 2005
Heute morgen war es sehr hässlich... Letzte Abend sind Richard und ich zur Burger King gegangen. Richard hat gesagt, "You should try the Texas Double Whopper, Lauree- es ist sehr gut!" Es hatte auch die Jalapenos. Ich esse gern die Jalapenos! Aber...
Ich hatte um 18.30 die Combo gegessen. Dann ich habe verlauft und auch für ein halb Stunde die Computer gespielt. Ich bin züruck mein Bett gekommen, zu lesen. Dann ich habe geschlaffen.
Von 4.30 bis 11.00, jede Stunde, habe ich erbrecht. Es saugt viel. After eight the content was purely bile. Unfortunately, my body's desire to expel the foreign invader covered all fronts simultaneously. Sitting hurts.
Ich habe nicht gegessen. Ich habe Angst... Ich hatte Wasser und Lemonade getrunken, aber keine Solide[n]... ich habe auch keine Lust für Speise.
Richard werde storben.
[Lauree Frances Keith concluded this diatribe at 6:05 PM]
Forced Servitude
Saturday, November 19, 2005
Richard (ein Freund Deutsches Klubs) and I spent two hours of the late afternoon walking mutts at an animal shelter for Gamma Beta Phi. The buildings (trailers) smell of dog mixed with cat mixed with dog urine mixed with cat urine and need serious refurbishment and renovation. Most animals (all dogs and cats) remain penned outside. The dogs are yappy. Rusted farm equipment, buckets, pet toys, bottles, trash, et cetera litter the entire lot.
Half an hour into this tortuous shift, Richard spied the pet cemetary, to which we vanished for the next half hour. Therein we made a horrific discovery, for upon reading each tombstone (some grander than some erected for humans, to note), we noted that nearly twenty or more pets with the last name "Ogden" had perished within the past three years. The murders began in November 2002, with the peak occurring during the months of January and February 2004 (five burials). Sunkist, Puddle-Wuddles, Jemima, Lily, Bud... none of them had a chance, and they remain all unavenged. We ought to inform the whole town.
[Lauree Frances Keith concluded this diatribe at 5:30 PM]
Another In A String Of Fat Days
Friday, November 18, 2005
Some mornings I arise with the persistent feeling that I am fat. It has nothing to do with whether I actually am or not, for I felt thus certain days when I weighed one hundred fifteen pounds. Rather, I conclude that I am an ugly person, my life possesses no meaning, and I am a leech upon my friends and in a more general sense, society itself. Basically, I want to curl up into a hedgehog position and moan senselessly.
I do not want to go to classes today. I would rather not attend Novemberfest this evening. I want to go back to my tent bed and pretend I am responsible for nothing.
[Lauree Frances Keith concluded this diatribe at 7:50 AM]
The Moo-Cow Shirt Is Appropriate
Thursday, November 17, 2005
I played hooky from Latin because Dr. Lavigne and the Classical Society had scheduled a meeting during my class today. However, no students appeared, nor did Dr. Lavigne. Cole (the president) and I sat there for fifteen minutes before vanishing ourselves. I feel stood up.
[Lauree Frances Keith concluded this diatribe at 2:33 PM]
Raspberry Italian Soda
Tuesday, November 15, 2005
Heute morgen I felt like a gigantic pile of poo, but after imbibing a Full Throttle at the classics department's weekly tea around noon, my outlook improved tremendously. I bothered not with attending Latin class, however, for I had not done the sentences as originally planned, on account of my aforementioned state of crapitude.
I did sit through the philosophy lecture, like a good little egg. The next paper assignment ought to be easier than the last one, and I can theoretically eke it out Thursday morning sometime.
Aber jetzt muss ich lesen.
[Lauree Frances Keith concluded this diatribe at 7:05 PM]
Phallic Wind Chimes
Monday, November 14, 2005
One of the slides my professor kept on display during ancient sexuality class depicted a hilarious gladiator chime. His phallus is probably as long as he is tall, and it is turning into a lion and attacking him. The gladiator holds a sword with which he attempts to decaptitate the lion. This is illustrative of masculine anxiety.
Heute Abend darf ich krank zur Arbeit telefonieren. The chest congestion disgusts other people. Plus, I spent last night restless with this dread disease and have been thus rendered too physically exhausted to stand serving chicken strips for eight consecutive hours. I need a nap.
[Lauree Frances Keith concluded this diatribe at 1:14 PM]
Broken Bronchials
Sunday, November 13, 2005
Rebekah and Phillip (a boy with whom I work) suspect I have bronchitis. I believe they are correct, which means I must find time to set a doctor's appointment somewhere. This entire semester has been too congested with school and work for extras.
Rebekah took me out to a deli for a delightful sandwich lunch, then I took her out for frozen custard. We hadn't seen each other in a couple of months, for we both work around school and go to school around work, with nothing between but studying for school or recovering from work. We discussed our dismal futures, which will consist of more work and more school and less time for ourselves.
After she inquired when I had last spoken with The Father (August), I informed her I would not initiate anymore contact with him. Dealing with his antics stresses me out. I had an anxiety dream concerning him even last week. I apparently do not possess the requisite fortitude to wait for him to become a grown up, especially while I am struggling to do so myself. I do not have the patience for his lies, for his misinterpretation/reinterpretation of my motives, for his ridiculous accusations that I do not love him or that I do not love my siblings, for his insinuations that I am trying to destroy the family...
He's the one who is too stupid to know what love is. He tells me I'm depressed, and in the next breath tells me he doesn't care about my feelings, tells me he only drove me ten hours to Tech so that he could be rid of me, and several other little things he can think of to make me feel worse about myself. He told me that the aunt and uncle (Nick and Laura) with whom I lived in St. Louis didn't want me living with them anymore because I'm a horrible person. According to him, my aunt Debbie and uncle Larry didn't co-sign on a school loan application for me because I am "a mean and nasty person", not because they already have their own two sons and couldn't afford to take on another liability, which is, of course, the real reason.
I won't return to The House of Usher for Thanksgiving, Christmas, or any other reason, because a) I can't afford to b) I've never been welcome there, and making me stay with them over the summer was simply a pretense for The Father and Terri to maintain a facade of "normalcy", whatever their twisted conceptualization of that was supposed to be and c) I wouldn't break bread with them even if it didn't cost me anything to go down there. The last time I talked to him, The Father accused me of not buying Terri a Christmas present, as a sign of open antagonism. She was sitting right there and had to correct him, because I had gotten her something. But he was still fuming about something that never happened, over a year later. He accused me of not wanting to come down from Missouri to be at their wedding, over a year after the fact, even when he knew I had wanted to come, but did not because I was in school and also had to work all that week.
I would have to deal with this sort of nonsense at every visit and every phone call, if The Father has his way.
[Lauree Frances Keith concluded this diatribe at 12:33 PM]
In A Struggle To Recall The First Bar
Saturday, November 12, 2005
Yesterday I visited with the girl for whom I am assuming a winter lease. She will contact me later this week about completing the paperwork.
The apartment complex she lives in is owned by the same group that owns the complex I am looking at signing up for with a friend of mine and a friend of hers. I would have my own room and bathroom, plus the following amenities:
bedroom ceiling fanThe walk to campus would take five minutes. The cost for this sort of luxury would be $465 (including electricity, water, etc.), which is sehr teuer, but a better overall deal than living in a dump, far away from school, for $450 + bills.
washer and dryer connection
furnished bedroom
refrigerator
microwave
stove
dishwasher
pool
volleyball court
basketball court
workout room
computer lab
Since I do not make enough to sign my own lease for almost anything, I need to seek out a guarantor, which will prove most tricky.
[Lauree Frances Keith concluded this diatribe at 1:29 PM]
Eyeballs Falling Out Again
Friday, November 11, 2005
I remain quite ill. I worried it might affect the gym final I took yesterday, but the instructor told me she didn't mind that I only used the kick board so long as I raised my heart rate and seemed to be putting in effort. Ausgezeichnet. For the next two weeks, we are to play water polo.
I arose early to study for a Greek quiz, but the tummy rumbles. I am also somewhat tired from working last night, and am thusly unable to fully concentrate on my book and flashcards. But I absolutely must know the first three principal parts of the chapter verbs...
[Lauree Frances Keith concluded this diatribe at 5:37 AM]
A Philosophy Paper
Wednesday, November 09, 2005
"Ich mag Müll": Oscar the Grouch and Slimy as a Thinly-Veiled Allegory For The
Libertarian and the Determinist Debating the Argument From Moral Responsibility
One morning Slimy awoke with an appetite insatiable. Encountering a cherished rotten apple at the bottom of Oscar the Grouch's refuse (Müll) bin, Slimy deliberated between two conflicting desires: Ought I eat this apple? he inquired of his slimy self, or should I ignore it in order that I might no longer have this hungry feeling? After weighing the reasons for which either course of action might be advantageous or disadvantageous, Slimy for various internal reasons opted to eat the apple entire. He felt not one ounce of guilt for fulfilling this volition, until Oscar the Grouch awoke much later and, finding his favorite apple consumed and irretrievable, duly rebuked Slimy: 'How could you take what was a beautiful thing and destroy it according to your selfish desires? You should feel ashamed, and I feel an obligation to in some manner punish you for this vile deed.'
Indeed, then, did Slimy regret his course of action... but only for a moment, for he then reflected, How could I have done otherwise? My actions are always the products of the laws of nature and of antecedent states of affairs. He then gave Oscar a long look which expressed the following: The infinite chain of events governing my existence determined that I eat that apple. You assume I was free to choose between eating that apple and the many alternatives available, but this feeling of yours is pure, illusory hokum. 'But you do have a self-evident feeling of responsibility for what you just did!' countered Oscar, 'You must agree that you freely chose to eat that apple, for it is more certain than your belief in universal causality.'
Nevertheless, Slimy ignored Oscar's argument. His line of reasoning began with the acknowledgement of deliberation merely as a process consisting, as according to Ledger Wood, with the recognition of two or more incompatible courses of action, about which one might weigh considerations for and against engaging in any of those courses. Finally, a choice would be made, but the feeling of control over the action would be a "subjective illusion". Adolf Greenbaum adds that this action is resultant from a prevailing motive, which might have been different under the same exact circumstances, and that would have produced a different action. The thoughts producing deliberation are purely neural, and thus are not evidential for indeterminacy.
In the event Oscar might claim Slimy possessed moral responsibility from the fact that he chose his action from his own beliefs and desires, Slimy prepared the following argument: Desire is based upon certain beliefs. My action was the result of my beliefs and desires with regards to eating the apple, but I did not freely choose to have those beliefs. My beliefs and desires are the result of my environment (presently, Oscar’s trash can) in conjunction with my own innate dispositions. Therefore, my action was not freely chosen, for I did not control the causal processes forming my beliefs and desires. Oscar stubbornly resisted this claim, choosing to re-posit his position that Slimy had, in fact, chosen between conflicting beliefs and desires. But Slimy shook his wormy head. My beliefs, dear Oscar, are truth-directed events. They stem from the ways in which the world is represented, as I perceive them. Since I cannot determine the truth of something for myself, my beliefs about that truth are in themselves illusions. These things, called “desires”, I do not choose- they merely formulate my choices.
Oscar at this point exclaimed exasperatedly, 'Your argument is too simplistic and ignores the intangibles! You must admit that you are the agent effecting change, despite no essential change to your self.' Oscar had read and agreed with an excerpt of ideas from Richard Taylor, who claims that humans are different from material objects- they are not the collections of things and events, but rather self-motivated beings. Taylor calls his own concept of causation 'extraordinary', for it holds that the agent (who is a substance) of an action may nevertheless be its cause, without something else causing him. He could not be considered the antecedent. Therefore, deliberation is both possible and rational for the agent of action, when the self is considered separate from one's thoughts, volitions, and choices. Thus, Oscar concluded for Slimy, 'Sometimes, I create things ex nihilo.' Slimy looked at Oscar through his trashy din, wondering yet how Oscar might account for the self, and also how actions could possibly arise from anything besides the laws of nature. But Oscar, anticipating these doubts, refuted, 'I am more certain of my self than of anything else, and shall evermore assert that I am the cause of my actions, despite my self being inexplicable.'
Herein ambled Cookie Monster, gobbling a handful of cookies. Oscar shouted with much belligerence, 'Why don’t you stop eating cookies? You could lose weight if you did otherwise.' Cookie Monster, unperturbed, replied, ‘Me content with who me is.’ To this profundity he added, 'All Oscar’s and Slimy’s philosophical ideas are "altars to unknown gods". To Cookie Monster, is one thing certain: cookie.' To Slimy he gave an approving pat, and Oscar, still ranting, Cookie Monster as usual ignored, for he cared most for eating cookies, not contemplating whether he ought be praised or punished for so doing.
[Lauree Frances Keith concluded this diatribe at 7:27 AM]
Compatibilism Schmeckt Mir Nicht Gut
Tuesday, November 08, 2005
Tonight I must compose a paper for philosophy class discussing compatibilism and libertarianism, both of which I have only the vaguest notions of and therefore dislike, and whose existence I also therefore feel resentful toward. The past two lectures have been spent hashing an argument for compatibilism from an idea of moral responsibility, about which I am entirely disinterested. I do not feel strongly enough/knowledgeable enough of the subject to identify as a determinist, but I prefer causal theories to the attempts at reconciliation made by opponents to determinism.
I also prefer analyzing my distaste for writing papers for philosophy class to exerting myself in the research necessary to write them.
Tonight will be my third consecutive Nyquil night. But first, I must be a good child and write this paper. Argh.
[Lauree Frances Keith concluded this diatribe at 5:56 PM]
Meine Handen Sind Wie Ein Krokodil
Monday, November 07, 2005
Am Freitag treffe ich mit die Mädchen, die eine Wohnzimmer für Winterpause haben. Es wurde nur zweihundertfünfzig Dollar für eine Monat kosten. Ausgezeichnet. Das gefällt mir sehr sehr gut.
Die deutsche Prüfung mache ich nicht so hart. Ich hatte Angst nur für die letzte Frage. Es war eben auf Englisch! Scheisse. Ich kann nicht Englisch sprechen. Das saugt. Ich denke, dass ich halb die Punkte bekomme.
Eike hat zu mir sprechen über die deutschen Burschenschaften, wenn ich ihm über des Studiums gefragt habe. Ich finde jetzt die Burchenschaften mehr interessant als das Studium. Die andere Gruppen haben schon das Studium erklären, die saugen für mich. Deshalb wurde ich eine Veränderung machen, um die Burschenschaften zu studieren. Mein Professor, der Bonzo, hat aber nicht an mein E-mail schreiben. Ich hoffe, dass ich jetzt es verändern kann.
Ich muss jetzt studieren.
[Lauree Frances Keith concluded this diatribe at 1:38 PM]
Anticipating Writing
Sunday, November 06, 2005
I've outlined the themes I need to discuss for the paper about ancient Greek male-male relations/"homosexuality", but am for some reason at the moment reluctant to string everything together into a two-page paper. Early registration for spring classes begins tomorrow morning promptly at twelve-oh-one, and the hour intermission between my release from work and that registration commencement will be used ever-so-wisely in the composition of this magnum opus. I again find myself in that quandry of a desire to discuss more than is required to answer the question. Limiting my mind's resourcefulness to that which may be accessed merely within the space of an hour, therefore, should solve this problem.
I realized this semester that having weekend mornings and early afternoons to conduct business (studying, writing, research, etc.) releases much tension from my mind after the strain put upon it by my weekday schedule, which is a monstrous and abominable nightmare of classes, work, club meetings, and the struggle to remain alert through all of them. Next semester, I might take only thirteen hours, to be heightened to fifteen if I decide to enroll in a basic communications class. I don't wanna, but I am aware I must get rid of that hindrance to my graduation at some point or other.
On Monday and Wednesday mornings at either eight or nine I shall achieve my last gym credit through one of weight training, racquetball, or volleyball classes. On MWF I would need to take Greek at noon and German Conversation & Composition at two. Then I need to take a couple of senior classes on Tuesdays and Thursdays. The seminar over the Trojan War begins at nine-thirty, followed by a German contemporary readings course. If I take the communications class, it would either follow the German readings or precede the Greek... stupid core crap...
Where to place my person this winter break has aroused some anxiety, until I saw an ad this morning from someone who needs a body to assume her winter lease (until school starts again in January). I would very much like to be that body. I sent the girl an e-mail today. I told her that I do not smoke and I am very clean. I also made sure to mention that I currently have the dinero. If this situation works out, I can relax about where to live and then concentrate on finding a break job. Fuddruckers would be fabulous, provided the buses run... stupid crappy mass transit system...
[Lauree Frances Keith concluded this diatribe at 11:52 AM]
'Twould Appear I Was Mistaken
Friday, November 04, 2005
The Greek exam this morning proceeded with relative smoothness, in consideration of the fact that I only clocked approximately six hours studying for it. I believe, in retrospect, that I misdeclined a certain noun and mistranslated a certain verb, but otherwise, I knew what I was doing.
That surmounted, I must concentrate this weekend on four massive projects:
an ancient gender reading response paper over Plato's The SymposiumThe ancient gender paper, specifically, concerns male-male relations in Greece. I spent the early evening reading The Symposium, and shall continue that course after vacating this computer cubicle for relocation to either a study cubicle upstairs or the lounge at my dorm. Optimally, I would write a draft of the paper before bedtime, edit it tomorrow morning, and print it out before I begin the work day at noon.
eine deutsche Prufung am Montag
a philosophy paper about determinism
a German culture project about university studies in Germany
After work, I should study for the German exam. Sunday morning I should study for the exam and compile questions to ask Eike et alia about studying in Germany. Sunday afternoon, before the work day begins at three, I must also read the philosophy reading for which I must later write a philosophy writing (it is due am Mittwoch).
I've done a better job suppressing the stress the past couple of weeks. I can foreseeably accomplish this list.
[Lauree Frances Keith concluded this diatribe at 5:59 PM]
"D" In Swimming = Drowned
Wednesday, November 02, 2005
Last night on Nyquil I went to bed early. I attempted to print out the reading for an ancient sexuality paper (due Monday), but access was denied, and the IT boy was not helpful, so I left the library after writing Eike an e-mail. I requested his aid with my German project over university studies there.
I am debating about not taking the Latin class next semester. I already have little time to devote to the one in which I am currently enrolled. I haven't had time to memorize/learn anything, so taking the classes and barely squeaking through them does little good. Mayhaps I can use that class time to sleep.
[Lauree Frances Keith concluded this diatribe at 4:38 AM]