Friday, December 30, 2005
I did little today, other than read and ellipticize. This evening I am researching scholarships, again. I applied for everything I might qualify for within my departments (i.e., two scholarships) in addition to the general university scholarship application. Since I won't be filing a FAFSA, more than likely, I obviously wouldn't qualify for government moolah.
The FAFSA business is tricky, for filing one requires garnering income information from The Father and Terri, who are adamantly opposed to helping me do anything, survival-wise (well, I'll amend that just to The Father; Terri does everything she can to help her own kids, because, despite being a little insane, she is not soulless, unfeeling, or irresponsible, which are all characteristics attributable to The Father). Of course, filling out the form requires some amount of time and timeliness, neither of which The Father historically has willfully engaged on my behalf. Complications arise from the fact that neither of us is speaking to the other at the moment, because I do not desire to comply with the stipulations that he places on his love and esteem of me.
He called the week before Christmas, entirely at Terri's behest (once again: she's the one with decent character, not him). He actually demanded that I forget absolutely everything that has occurred before, so that we could start off entirely from this conversation. After I told him I probably couldn't forgive him for certain things, he tried to excuse his behavior, demanded I accept his apology (!), and accused me of being the one who doesn't want to "resolve our problems". He has the arrogance to presume he deserves forgiveness- that I should forgive him for telling me I had a "bad" mother (purposefully, in order to hurt my feelings), or that I should forgive him for promising to put me through college, and then cutting me off entirely just because I don't approve of the notion of letting his new wife do my laundry, take out my bedroom trash, or condescend to tell me how to behave.
In August, he had the nerve to taunt me, when I told him I needed a cosigner to take out loans for college and housing. But now, I am supposed to forgive him for saying, "No one else would cosign for you, because you're a mean, nasty person!" I'm the one who's heartless; I'm the one who's obstinate; and, incidentally, I'm the one who suffers. He loses no sleep whatsoever, while I have anxiety attacks every two or three days, at best. Yesterday I stayed in bed, wide awake, from two until about three-thirty, when I finally tried to distract myself by reading for a couple of hours. He takes nothing seriously, but he expects me to wear a pleasant countenance, to greet him joyously at holidays, to sit at the table with his "perfect" family and pass the food in the correct direction, despite the fact that he refuses to cosign for me to get student loans or for me to rent an apartment.
I have no sanity, I have no money, I might have to drop out of college, I might not be able to find any place decent to live, but
I am supposed to accept Christmas presents from The Fatherwho refuses to ever call me. For the first half of the conversation, I went along; I gave him my latest address; but by the end, I told him exactly where he could send his Christmas package. I told him to grow up. I also believe I used the phrase, "You're full of shit" once (or twice, for emphasis).
Anyway... tuition (with fees and all that other nonsense) plus housing (if I cannot lease an apartment without a guarantor anywhere) per semester amounts to almost more than I make in a year. I can pay for everything- without scholarships, loans, or grants- so long as I don't eat, don't buy shampoo or other toiletries, and ignore my credit bills. But I am not stressed over this. Nope.
[Lauree Frances Keith concluded this diatribe at 4:17 PM]