Tuesday, January 08, 2008
I baked off a palate of Tollhouse oatmeal raisin cookies this weekend. Three of those dough squares somehow never made it so far as the cookie pan. The survivors lived only long enough for an agonizing bake in three hundred twenty-five degrees of heat. The cookies spent a few cooling minutes on the rack before either consumption or placement in a Tupperware container.
Store-bought cookie dough: inferior to cookie dough made from scratch. Nothing in life has ever been as good as it was when I was a kid, except Chef Boyardee canned ravioli... always bueno.
I am supposed to be working on something: I should be reading, or finding a decent place to work (I walked out of Schlotzky's a week ago). In lieu of that, I have filled out the following form:
1) Who are three of your favorite teachers ever?
Mr. Boudny (sixth grade social studies), Mr. Richards (eleventh grade algebra), and, of course, Der Grair Bär (college German)
2) What is your favorite picture ever taken of you?
The photograph of me on my third birthday, covered in chocolate cake and nevertheless managing to look extremely disappointed with life.
3) What are your guilty pleasures?
Toying with people's minds. Shoplifting. Animal sacrifice.
4) What was your first job and did you like it?
At fourteen I worked at the store where I took piano lessons. I usually enjoyed selling rental instruments and helping schedule music classes.
5) What do you consider to be your best physical feature and why?
My ears are the best part of me. Minus the piercings, they are flawless. Most other people have ugly ears.
6) What are 3 of your pet peeves?
I become irate with people who waste my time in any context. I dislike walking through or standing in the midst of cigarette smoke. And people who think I exist to be their eye candy can stuff it.
7) What's the story behind one of your scars?
One morning around one my iPod Nano and I went for a walk around the Texas Tech campus dorms. I looked down at the nano face to change a song, and suddenly found myself sprawled flat on the pavement, having tripped over a step. I gashed my right knee through my jeans, consequently staining the pants and earning a humongous scar.
8) If a movie were to be made about your life, what would it be called?
Freud Case Basket Case
9) What is your favorite TV show of all time and why?
Married... With Children, because the comedy was trashy (until the final few seasons, anyhow).
10) If you could travel back to any point in time, what era and place would you choose?
1929: The edge of a balcony right after the crash.
11) What song defines your life right now?
"Crazy", Patsy Cline version
12) Have you ever had a near-death experience?
A spider bite nearly killed me last summer.
13) What is something you do daily?
Breathe. I'd like to quit.
14) If you were a crayon, what color would you be and why?
I would be an ocean shade of blue, because I am always drowning in something.
15) What movie/TV show/cartoon character are you most like and why?
I would be Charlie Brown- anything an adult has ever said to me sounds like "wah wah wah".
16) Who shares your birthday?
William Shakespeare. He also died on my birthday. That is what I have to look forward to.
17) What names are you considering for your kids?
Boys: Theodore and Thurston
Girls: Dandelion and Patricia
18) Where are you right now?
At the Lauree Lair, awaiting the ax-wielding murderer.
19) If you could have one super power what would it be and why?
The ability to manage time wisely, because then I might get one thing done.
20) What's the first thing you notice about the opposite sex?
The penis.
21) Who is your favorite celebrity train wreck?
Keith Richards. His face is the main reason I do not do drugs.
22) What's your most recent exciting purchase?
The money order for my application to the University of Florida.
23) What was your favorite movie and/or book as a child?
Movie: Ferris Beuler's Day Off
Book: A Little Princess
24) When was your first kiss and who was it with?
Seventh grade: a boy named Jason
25) Who are your favorite actors?
Morgan Freeman, Tommy Lee Jones, Robin Williams, Christopher Walken;
I hate women
26) What was the last thing you ate?
Two oatmeal raisin cookies and a mug of mocha-flavoured milk
27) As a child, what did you want to be when you grew up?
An interior designer
28) What is your greatest weakness?
Not being as blunt about myself as I am about other people.
29) Describe your life in three words.
Never-ending, agonizing DAYMARE
30) Do you have any tattoos, what are they, and when did you get them?
No tattoos.
31) Describe the perfect pizza.
Imo's Pizza (St. Louis, Missouri): a flat, cardboard-thin pizza- sausage with tomato slices
32) What is one thing scientists should invent?
Something that destroys feelings of guilt.
33) What should you be you be doing instead of this?
Sending grad school information to the people who are supposed to be writing my recommendation letters.
34) What is one stereotype people could assign to you that's actually true?
I am "white" (to people who actually believe in race) and therefore I cannot work. I'd like to write that on my job applications.
35) If you were required to change your first name, what would you change it to?
Oliver
36) What are your current obsessions?
Listening to German reggae. Drinking the Fuze banana colada drink. Avoiding bill payments.
37) What are three things you ALWAYS have with you?
Emotional baggage, a boxcutter, and my shiny Seiko watch.
38) Do you believe in soulmates?
Nope. Moot question, since I don't believe in souls.
39) What's the closest object to you that's orange?
The cover of a spiral Staples notepad.
40) What is your definition of love?
Knocking a boy down, sitting on him, rubbing dirt in his hair, and then running away.
[Lauree Frances Keith concluded this diatribe at 2:10 AM]